I had a really good conversation with a friend of mine recently.  We were discussing certain lifestyle choices and things.  And he pointed a very good question to me.  He said, “how do you justify (insert any number of bad habits I have) as a religious or Christian person?”  It was a very good question, and I had a simple answer.

“I don’t.” First, let me make it very clear I am not religious.  I despise religion.  It is nothing but a long list of behavior modification to do nothing but control a populous.    I do not buy into that.  And neither did Jesus, in case you were wondering.  However, I am, make no mistake a believer.  I am saved by His grace alone and I do not deny Him for one second.  With that also being said, you can be a believer and be angry with God.  You can be angry, kick and scream, flat out ignore or rebel and still believe in Him and know how real He is.  For anyone struggling I want to say to you, it’s ok.  It doesn’t make you a “bad” Christian.  On the contrary I think in the long run it will make many even stronger in their faith.

Let me let you in on a little secret.  He can take it.  He can take you being mad and angry.  He will not turn away, He will not retaliate, He will not hold a grudge.  He will never see you as anything other than precious and beloved.  I’ve held a lot of hurt and anger and fear in my heart this last year.  A lot.  I have fought with God and I have flat ignored Him for most of the year.  But in another debate, on an entirely different subject, I was quick to counter and sing His praises as TRUTH because even though I wanted nothing to do with Him, and was hanging onto my own hurt, I know better.  I know Him better and I was not about to allow Him to be misrepresented.  Not that He needs my defense.  But you can see the point I’m trying to make.  I cringe when I hear false theology being preached because when you know… you just know. 

When you are saved, life doesn’t just become wonderful and full of sunshine and roses.  It’s still life.  You still struggle, you still hurt, bull shit happens to you.  Jesus never said life would be easy.  But he did promise Grace.  Grace for when life sucks and you might not handle it as well as perhaps a daughter of a King should.  Grace for old habits and sins that are always there to swoop in at weak moments.  Cling to Him yes, but don’t kill yourself over your mistakes.  You are human, and that is the exact point of Grace. You cannot win against sin alone.  You just can’t.

I don’t speak of my faith too much because I do abhor hypocrites and I do not want to be viewed as such by so many of my friends and family.  But there is a huge difference between struggling with heartbreak, loss, sin and failure and knowing when you’re in the wrong, and being angry with God while you work things out, rather than saying yes… that is wrong, but it does not apply to me.  I truly feel there is a big difference.   But if you don’t know Jesus, and you don’t understand Grace, it is very hard to distinguish the difference.  I understand that.  So I just keep my mouth shut a lot.

I still find myself throwing my inward spiritual tantrum.  Screaming and sobbing, throwing punches at Jesus’ chest, shouting between sobs “how dare you!”.  Knowing full well this all will be for the greater good of me, and His plan will no doubt show love and grace in the end but needing to be mad at someone anyhow.  Blame someone.  And He will stand there and take it, waiting for me to exhaust myself, and then He will wrap His arms around me and still call me His.  His beloved.  A daughter of a King.   Because if He can calm a storm on the sea, surely when the time is right, He will calm the storm in my heart. 

“What kind of man is this?  Even the winds and waves obey him.” -Matthew 8:27